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Canker Soar. What is it? Where does it come from? What does it look like? These are questions one may ask when they feel an odd lump on their inner lip that on further investigation has white puss and feels and looks completely disgusting. Let me make something very clear, I am talking about myself. But maybe I’m talking about you too. Okay, let’s backtrack. Anytime something extraordinarily odd starts happening inside your mouth, you probably want to know “why the f**k is this happening to me?”  

So I looked it up on the internet. Which means you don’t have to.  First I had to go through all of the possible causes. I have not made out with anyone since that stri….. that girl, and that was like a month ago. I haven’t sucked anyone off, or siphoned gas… though that’s a good idea. Apparently my sore is completely random. Only one explanation, a canker soar. Here’s the definition: Small ulcers with a white or gray base and a red border. Unlike cold sores, canker sores appear inside the mouth. And, they are not contagious. There may be only one canker sore or several and they often return. Their exact cause is uncertain but some experts believe that immune system problems, bacteria or viruses may be involved. Fatigue, stress or allergies can increase the likelihood of a canker sore. A cut caused by biting the cheek or tongue, or reactions from hot foods or beverages may contribute to canker sore development. Intestinal problems, such as ulcerative colitis and Crohn’s disease, also seem to make some people more susceptible.

Scary and useless, but I have a better theory.   I am drunk, there’s no doubt about that (and that you had not figured that out by now, is a tribute to my drunk-funk-tionality.) Canker soars are obviously a combination of barley or hops, and Carl’s Jr. hot dogs.  

They (Carl’s Jr. Hot Dogs) are only good when you’re drunk. And you’ll feel sick about 5 minutes later… and I just had 4 of them. And I just found this disgusting soar on the inside of my lip one second after engorging myself in the last of that filthy feast. I realize that this discovery is on par with Mr. Pasture, and I expect to receive a Nobel shortly. 

But in the meantime it is important for both of us to realize that, a canker soar, while disgusting and annoying as hell, is not our fault. They almost always go away with time. Just remember, do not pick at it, and do not try and clip it off with fingernail clippers because that just makes it worse.   The key is to stay away from spicy or hot foods and not to pick at it. It will generally heal on its own in a week or two, if not sooner. There is a chance, though they are not contagious, that if excessively bothered, it will spread within your own mouth. It is important not to pick at the soar, leave it alone. Often antibiotics or oral bandages may help, but usually are not necessary. If the soar does not go away on its own, or grows into something from a sci-fi horror flick, you should probably see a doctor. Or behead yourself, as it is very likely you are becoming a zombie. Okay, have a nice day.

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